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Our favourite moments from the 70th Golden Globes

Our favourite moments from the 70th Golden Globes

We love award shows. All the cool people we love hanging out with each other, getting drunk, getting into brawls, taking their clothes off. This morning we caught, the first of many ceremonies to watch this month, the 70th Golden Globe awards. It wasn’t what you’d call ‘filled to the brim with happiness, inside jokes and nip slips’ level, but it was entertaining nonetheless. Ben Affleck made one omission that Jennifer Garner had to cover and Hugh Jackman and George Clooney jumped on it. Jodie Foster was beautiful. The right amount of emotional and crazy makes a great acceptance speech. Also, us Homeland fans are mighty pleased with the show winning best drama (so disconcerting to see Abu Nazir on stage), Damian Lewis winning best actor and Claire Danes taking best actress (also, the Carrie was carrying pun was well intended but lame). But us Breaking Bad fans were quite disappointed.

Amy Pohler and Tina Fey were, as expected, spectacular and we wished we could see more of them. Seriously, they kind of disappeared in the middle there. The opening monologue was full of fun jokes about Ben Affleck, Lena Dunham, Tarantino and Julianne Moore, The hunger games and Life of Pi. The shout out to Mandy Patinkin was adorable. (The 2nd best line of the night goes to –  “When it comes to torture, I trust the lady who was married to James Cameron for three years.” (Of Kathryn Bigelow))

Also, we adore HBO’s girls and have from the first episode but Lena Dunham winning against Amy Pohler for the best actress in a comedy? Hell to the no!
Dunham thanked her fellow nominees for getting her through middle school. Amy and Tina took their loss well. By drinking on stage.

After last years Emmy’s, our expectations of Aziz Ansari skyrocketed. He didn’t disappoint us. He came in with Jason Bateman and talked about chilling with the cast of Downton Abbey. “They call cookies biscuits!” Also, he called Lena Dunham “Lisa.”

We absolutely believed that Kristen Wiig and Will Ferrell did watch all the movies when they came in to present the best performance by an actress in a Musical/comedy. They were exceptionally hilarious. Twitter was instantly filled with “let them host the next Golden Globes” kind of tweets.

Bill Clinton came on stage (whaaaat!) to introduce Lincoln and as he walked off stage, Pohler stayed true to Leslie Knope and shrieked, “that was Hillary Clinton’s husband”. Aww, classic Leslie. (That is the best line in case you were wondering)

Anne Hathaway’s acceptance speech was wonderful (in spite of how truly annoying she has become). She won for Les Miserables and she thanked Sally Fields for teaching her not to be typecast. Hey Anne, great way to bring up the fact that you were once princess of Genovia by the way. We see what you did there.

What’s an award show without uncomfortable moments? We squirmed watching Paul Rudd looking visibly awkward. He was on stage with Salma Hayek and they both stared at the (defective, we assume) teleprompter and then at each other with nothing to say. But it doesn’t matter, PaulRudd4eva.

And lastly, how cute was the HFPA president Aida Takla O’Reilly hitting on Bradley Cooper? Adorable.

Our predictions and hopes for 2013

Breaking Bad: Skyler jumps off a cliff and or Walt puts a gun to her head and pulls the trigger out of sheer frustration. Walt and Hank Shreader become cohorts or better, Hank shoots Walt and takes over as Heisenberg. Jesse finds love and settles down. He buys a house that’s filled floor to ceiling with magnets. Yeah, magnets bitches. (Although, we demand at least one scene of him crying this season). Breaking Bad goes down in history as one of the best shows ever.

Mad men: The show takes a leaf out of Ekta Kapoor’s book and takes a generation leap. Joan’s baby and Sally now run their own advertising agency. Or Roger and Joan hook up. Betty gets fatter. Sally gets smarter. Peggy decides she’s into girls. Megan poisons Don. Or Don dies in an unexplained way and continues to be an unpredictable enigma even in his death.

After being nominated and losing the Emmy for five consecutive years, Jon Hamm stabs Damien Lewis and Bryan Cranston on the red carpet.

Homeland: Dana dies in a tragic car accident; Saul becomes head of the CIA (because clearly there are just 2 people left in the entire CIA). Carrie continues to be a wine-gulping maniac and she makes it her life’s mission to clear Brody’s name…then something else blows up. (Side note: it would be lovely if she attended some classes and actually learned to play the trumpet. Our ears would be eternally gratefully)

Arrested development comes back and gives meaning to our lives again.

Carries Diaries either becomes our greatest guilty pleasure or humanity’s doom from an overdose of all things SATC.

Community:  Season 4 completely sucks or kicks ass. Either way, we can’t wait for some more of Troy and Abed on our T-V!

How I met you….oh who cares?

The Golden Globes kick so much ass that Hollywood decided to give up. It cannot possibly get better hosts than Amy Pohler and Tina Fey and from here on out, actors pick up the awards in a Baltimore back alley while a homeless guy plays the guitar.

Arnab Goswami invites Jerry Pinto for a debate. It’s a screaming match like no other.

Sachin Tendulkar joins Jhalak Dikhla Jaa. It’s seems like a real possibility.

The makers of Sherlock take pity on us addicts and decide to give us season three this year instead of 2014.

Kimye’s new little bundle of blinged up, swagged out style gets his own little reality TVshow. Where he squabbles with his blankie, has a fall out with his teddy bear and plans little tea parties in his room where dad gets the tunes and mommy runs around looking important.

Shah Rukh Khan retires. Well we can hope, can’t we?

When this interview was taken in 2009 the tentative release date for sequel to A suitable boy was 2013. Huzzah! The novel, titled A suitable girl is the story of finding a match for Lata’s grandson. The only thing is: deadlines mean nothing to Seth. He’s a literary version of George RR Martin, so readers may just find themselves dealing with the crushing disappointment of having to wait another whole year for the book to be released.

Ranbir Kapoor has an existential crisis. Could it be that he’s gone through every woman in Bollywood in the span of two years? He wants to drink himself to death but then thinks that would be a waste of pretty. He starts dating himself.

People realise they actually can eat food without instagramming it first.

Kittens get ousted and cute little lemurs take over the internet.

Ooops, spoilers!

Ooops, spoilers!

Of all first world problems the one that rattles me most is the ‘Spoiler Alert’. And while I agree with Mindy Kaling that you should “be a man about it”, I also hate people who find joy in spoiling things for you.

But lets face it, if you aren’t on top of every show you follow, somebody somewhere is going to ruin it for you. But I do have some tips for you if you want to avoid them all.

– Invest in a pair of noise-cancelling headphones. This is a fool-proof method to ensure you don’t hear your friends gushing about the season finale of Breaking Bad and spend a few days like lonely sad person till you catch up. Wear them everywhere. No place is safe. Your office, the coffee shop, the bar…yes, it will suck to wear a pair of headphones at the bar and you might a miss a whole interesting conversation because you don’t know when they stopped discussing Walter White but hey, at least you don’t know Frank figured out…whoops, sorry.

Image Courtesy: The Interwebz
-Which brings me to the most essential point; the internet or as you could call it, the spoiler universe. If you’ve downloaded the last episode of Homeland but just haven’t managed to watch it yet, it calls for a blanket internet ban. You can check your email on your phone but no twitter, facebook (you know what happened with Talaash) and absolutely no other website. Sure, there is always the ‘spoiler alert’ just before it. What are you supposed to do? Switch you mind off as soon as you see those words? From Guardian to New Yorker to Time magazine they are all minefields of spoilers and analysis and memes and one stray word about a terrorist…

– Watch every episode as it comes out. If you aren’t caught up on a show, call in sick, stay home and watch it. Do not venture out of the house. Don’t call people; they could let something slip. It isn’t even just the drama/thriller shows. I can’t even stand it when people reveal important things about sitcoms. Ooh, did you see the episode when Ben proposes to..lalalallalala.

Television’s whiny wives

Television’s whiny wives

Skyler White from Breaking Bad:

First of all, oh my goodness that jaw. Secondly, we never really understood the word bellyaching till we became acquainted with Mrs White. Nag about this, threaten about that, stick jaw out upto Canada for the other…..Geez. It’s a wonder Walter didn’t start doing meth already. Let him be the bad ass he was always destined to be, you stupid woman.

Jessica Brody from Homeland:

At first, we really liked the svelte Mrs Brody. She had our sympathy in the first half of season one but her descent into society Congress wife really irked us. And sorry, her speech at the fundraiser wasn’t all that great. We all know they clapped because she was hot. She also managed to show her supreme ignorance when she advised Brody to “tell the CIA to back off”. It’s the CIA, lady! Not a classroom bully.

Marla Daniels from The Wire:

For the first two seasons, Marla lived vicariously through her husband’s life because she didn’t have one of her own. “Oh honey, take the bar, screw all this police shit.” Don’t you get that he’s the best lieutenant in all of Baltimore? Then finally, when she decides to get her own career, suddenly he has to pander to her ridiculous husband and wife play acting? Bitch alert.

Betty Draper from Mad Men:

So pretty and so damn annoying. Betty Draper is a classic whiny women who doesn’t know what she wants and when she does, throws a fit about it. She suspects her husband of having affairs but can’t stand up to him about it and usually just ends up yelling at her kids instead. Although we are glad she finally leaves Don, (who leaves Don Draper, who?) her shrill squeak is something we can never get rid off.

Carrie from King of Queens:

Most family-based sitcoms have crazy wives (Modern Family, Everybody loves Raymond, My wife and kids) and husbands who stand by them and love them anyway. But Carrie is a downright bitch. She is mean, awful and super bossy with Doug and it defintely stems from the fact that she thinks she is way out of his league. Just one of these days, I would love to see Doug pick her up and snap her into two.

The wives on Desperate Housewives:

While we have lost track of this show and who’s married to who and who’s having an affair with who, they were all pretty damn bossy, self-centered and needy wives (except Lynette. Felicity Huffman 4 eva) which is of course what led to the aforementioned affairs.

Thanks for all the fish

Thanks for all the fish

This past week, everything on the internet was about turkeys and thanksgiving. And though we don’t do thanksgiving here in India (except for a few people on Twitter), it IS November and that signals the end of year. The  Guardian already has a list of the best books of 2012, so this is my list of things I’m thankful for this year.

The writers of Community, The Newsroom, Mad Men and Homeland:

Personally, I haven’t had the best year. But as always I find distraction and solace in television and books. And I have to thank Community, The Newsroom, Mad Men and Homeland for getting me through it without going batshit insane, growing dreadlocks and living in a tree. It’s probably not the healthiest thing to do; being so invested in fictional characters but it just makes me feel so…so alive and so…you know, I’m just going to give my hard drive a big hug right now.

Books that find you:

As you might have gathered, my life decisions don’t always lend itself to a well-fed bank account. But that’s what second hand bookstores, sales and friends are for. This year I have read borrowed books, books I picked up for Rs 50 at a sale, and books that I abandoned or never got around to reading. And I have been consistently surprised and happy. They have been books I have picked up grudgingly because I was too broke to buy what I wanted. But the good ones just found me. In many ways, I’m an old lady who is afraid of new things. I like finding my comfort zone and sticking to it and sometimes have a closed mind. I don’t want to listen to your new favourite band; I don’t want to read an author I’ve never heard of before. But almost every time I have done it, I have been rewarded. I’ve read a great deal of books this year, even signed up for a post graduation course in literature (not made a dent in that list yet though) and I do hope the next pay cheque is big enough to do some splurging. But till then, there is always my Flipkart wishlist to check and sigh everyday.

Amy Pohler:

Amy Pohler is not only television’s funniest woman, she is also the personification of woman power and an example for girls all over the world. Along with being the super ambitious and funny Leslie Knope on Parks and Rec; she also has her own youtube channel. Called, Smart girls at the party, it encourages young talented girls to be themselves and be proud of it (the last episode had a Sikh girl explain her religion and what her culture entails).  I imagine Pohler in real life to be something of a superwoman. Incredibly talented, funny, confident and amazing. Even if she isn’t, I’m just glad she’s on one of the best sitcoms I’ve seen this year.

The interwebz:

On a regular day, I spend about nine to ten hours on my laptop. I can find and read this on Wednesday, laugh till my ribs hurt at this the next day and watch this on the weekend. And I can sit here in Mumbai and read the New Yorker and The Slate and The Guardian and Flavorwire. I can spend hours looking at cat videos and I can also spend hours talking to a friend in San Francisco. We talk about dependence, we talk about how the internet has us by the balls (metaphoric ones) but I don’t see the problem. The good things outweigh the bad, a million times over. The internet is filled with vile and disgusting things offset by art. Beautiful art in the form of music, videos, literature and so much more.

2012

What a great time to live, I think sometimes when I’m standing inside a matchbox sized room and listening to the Bombay Bicycle club or when I feel gooseflesh on my arm from watching The manganiyar seduction on stage. I think about the lives my parents must have led when they were my age and I can’t believe my luck. International artists aren’t just those mythical creatures forever stuck on records (or iTunes library) any more. India isn’t just a far, exotic land of elephants and snake charmers anymore and every month we hear announcements of international artists performing here, international films being screened, international brands setting shop and we are here to witness this. It fills me with such a rush to realise that we are part of a turning point of sorts, for this country in the cultural field.

Yes, the world is still listening to Justin Beiber and One Direction, but you know what, fuck that. Every small singer, songwriter and trumpet player now has opportunity. Opportunity to reach out and make themselves heard (whether they’re good or not decides how far they go) and that’s as good as it gets. A million music, art, theatre and literature festivals have sprung up. Can’t find an audience there? Put your work online and somebody in a tiny town in Brazil may just become your fan.

I can tell my very tambhram family that I want to be a writer and they don’t automatically assume that all is lost. Just that much is great. I live in a time when I don’t have to mind my manners, wear corsets that cause asphyxia or be ‘married off’ when I turn 18. I don’t have to rebel. I know, most people don’t see the appeal in that and find rebelling against society and their parents very cool but really it’s not. We have been born in a time when it’s not rebellious to cut your hair real short and come home at 5am. It’s normal. It’s great that we don’t have to fight these tiny battles because the previous generation already paved the way for us. They fought to break out and now it’s up to us to take that chance and go as high and as far as we can. We owe it to so many, many people.

In which I jump excitedly and bite my nails about Homeland

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In which I jump excitedly and bite my nails about Homeland

I spent this entire week racking my brains about what I wanted to write my column on. It was this tough because the only thing on my mind for the past week is Homeland. If you haven’t seen it already, you definitely should. Also, you might not want to read this, it may or may not be filled with spoilers.

What makes a good show great is the acting and what makes a great show spectacular is the writing.  Homeland employs all the basics of a good thriller; intrigue, suspense, forbidden love and the threat of a terrorist attack that will destroy the world (The USA mostly) as we know it.

At the beginning of the new season, Carrie Mathison (Claire Danes) was having pretty terrible luck. Fired from the CIA because of the man she was in love with while constantly suspecting that he was a terrorist and having to resort to shock treatment. But four episodes in, and things are looking pretty damn good for her. (If you count escaping bullets and a failed suicide attempt good).

The first few episodes of a season are a pretty good indication of what’s coming. Carrie got her “I was right” moment when Saul showed her Brody’s video (which was followed by a superb crying scene that Danes is such an expert at, replete with a trembling chin) which proved that Saul was not a mole and that unfortunate polygraph incident was just a mistake and now that the CIA was on to Brody, the season would be spent watching him and manipulating him into finding Abu Nazir’s plans. The rhythm and the narrative of any show is almost predictable if you’ve watched enough television.

But, nope. You can’t be predicting anything with Homeland. You think we are going left? Ok, then we are going to turn right to the south of the west and turn around halfway and head to the northeast. Episode four, New Car Smell was an absolute game changer. I bit my nails and almost shut my eyes when Carrie had a drink with Brody in his hotel and might have passed out from stress when she knocks on his door. It was an episode worth a season finale. But it’s only episode four!

But here’s the part that baffles me the most. What do we do now? What, if not proving Brody has been turned, is this season going to be about. Will he confess? Will he talk about Isa? Will he give up Roya (this might be fun considering Estes went on a date with her)? Speaking of which, doesn’t Estes seem a bit suspicious to you guys? Who is the new guy and what’s his role going to be? Did Brody give the blade to his old guard? Something is up with that Max guy, isn’t it? Will Dana and the Vice-president’s boy hook up now, when the world finds out the truth about Brody? Will Mike and Lauder figure out the truth too? What will Abu Nazir do to save Brody? Or does he want to?

So many questions. Not a single prediction.

Movie and Television situations we’ve seen before

Movie and Television situations we’ve seen before

Sex in front of a fireplace: The Notebook is the first one that comes to mind. And on television, The bold and the beautiful and more recently, Homeland. Things have come to such a pretty pass, that when we see a fireplace in the background of a scene we immediately anticipate sexy time.

Strapless dress = expensive necklace as a gift. Do I even have to list them? Titanic for starters and then Pretty woman (and Homeland again). If the woman is wearing a strapless gown you can be sure that the male lead will produce a velvet box and murmur something ridiculous about how he hopes “this will improve it” Yawn. How is it that the woman never has to take off her own jewellery to put his on? Her neck is always bare and waiting. Does she have no nice necklaces of her own?

Tending of the wounds: There is a brawl. The male lead gets injured. The female lead says “you’re bleeding” and before you can say “Hospital” she’s holding an ice pack to his head or tying a pretty expert bandage around his injured arm despite having no experience as either a doctor or a nurse. He just gazes up at her in all his manly and injured glory. Ugh.

Cops eat donuts: No scene with American cops is complete without a box of donuts by their side. How about biscuits or cheesecake or an apple, even? Let’s forget that they are full of sugar and pretty unhealthy, The Simpsons, Dexter and even Miss Congeniality have me believe that cops are a bunch of giant donut guzzlers.

Bitching about someone who’s standing right behind you: Basic rules of life. Ignore a co-worker sobbing in the loo unless you want to get sucked into a spiral of sad stories and before you make fun of someone, look left, right AND behind you. If you are careless about rule number two, we have no sympathy for you. Especially Harry Crane from Mad Men. Making fun of the boss’ wife while in the office? C’mon!

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