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The best of Jean Ralphio

The best of Jean Ralphio

You know the problem with Parks and Rec? Way too many great characters. We can’t pick between Ron Swanson, Leslie Knope, April Ludgate, Tom Haverford, Andy Dwyer or Chris Traeger. But this list is for the hilarious and underrated Jean Ralphio. Here’s our pick of his best quotes:

Showing true enthusiasm for a job as Ron’s assistant:

For starters, access to the illest clubs. And that’s just for starters. I will work for you. I’ll be on you 24/7. I’ll be like your family. I’m here when you get here in the morning, sure enough, I’ll be there tucking you into bed at night. Don’t worry, it’s not gay. Do we have questions?

Making a business deal:

What up, Big Teeeeeee…stop. This must be the lovely Donna. Enchanté. Listen beautiful, let’s cut the bull, alright? You want this. I definitely want this. T.H. wants this. Let’s seal this devil’s threeway right here, right now. Step one: We buy into this club. Step two: We roll over to the club, either in your Mercedes-Benz or my pre-owned Acura Legend. Step three: I dagger you on the dance floor. Just bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, now all the ladies sayin’, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce. What do you say, sexy?

On giving a great best man speech:

Ok, this is what I would do: I would start with a joke. Joke. Vince Vaughn quote, obviously.Fred Claus. Talk about Andy’s ex-girlfriends, quote from Love Actually, hold back your tears, pause…drop the microphone, get out of that bitch.

On hiring Ben to do his accounts:

Oh you could do better than that. I’m gonna help you out right now, your name is Angelo. Angelo thank you so much for coming out. Get a thicker tie, it looks weird on you. It makes your head look like a fish. Secondly, I don’t know where the paperwork is, but when you find it can you take care of it for us? We don’t have any pens ’cause we’re afraid it’s gonna leak on our shirts. Well actually I hate the name Angelo I’m gonna switch it up for you right now. Your new nickname is Jell-o shot. What do you think about that J-shot? Any questions?

On romance:

One time I waited outside a woman’s house for five days just to show her how serious I was about wanting to drill her. Turns out, it was the wrong house. She loved the story anyway. We got to third base. Over the pants.

Rapping and not knowing when to stop:

– Uh-oh, Uh-oh, it’s K to the N to the O-P-E, she’s the dopest little shortee in all Pawnee, Indiana
– R to the O to the N and then I say, Swanson got swagger the size of Big Ben clock
– Yo B to the O to the double S, do what he say and you’ll be success-ful-o

On great television ideas:

This is for certain, okay? I create a game show… two people on stage, right? They flip a coin; one of them has to perform open heart surgery, the other one has to receive open heart surgery. We call it: “Open Heart Surgery.”

On dreams:

Why don’t you live your life like that cow from that video?

Tom: He was a horse.

Yeah, because he followed his dreams.

 

A list of the lovey dovey stuff

A list of the lovey dovey stuff

It’s valentine week (We don’t care. So commercial. Stupid Archies. Whatever. Rolls eyes) so we sat down and picked 8 things that made us blush and gush and some that simply reinforced our belief in love (This is nothing like Madhuri Dixit buying flowers and heart-shaped candy for herself in Dil Toh Pagal Hai).

Louie and Pamela. I know it’s television and it’s scripted but this is probably one of the most beautiful declarations of love I have ever seen on television.

Real love moves freely in both directions. Don’t waste your time on anything else.” From this Sugar Says column.

This letter from U.S President Ronald Reagon to his 26 year old son.

Hema and kaushik. It’s not the greatest love story ever written, in fact I’m sure there are far better ones but this has stuck to the sides of my brain for some strange reason. It’s when loves mixes with loss and emptiness; the kind that makes you jump about and smile but leaves your eyes hollow. Jhumpa lahiri’s short stories from Unaccustomed Earth tell the story of Hema and Kaushik. It keeps changing perspective and talks about cultural similarity and the similarity of a meaningless existence that the two characters face. It’s one of those beautiful stories.

In the language of love, there’s love and then there’s The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams. My favourite passage is the conversation that the Rabbit and Skin Horse have early on in the story, when Rabbit wants to know what being real is. “It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.” Here, just read the whole story.

The closing of credits of Grease can either be incredibly ridiculous or incredibly sincere. Maybe it’s because I love nonsense words, or because I love Travolta in that film, or that I love the whole film, but to my mind, real romance is when the two of you go together like rama lama lama ke ding-a-de-dinga-dong.

Deeti and Kalua. There are some books that come to you when you need them the most; when you feel like nothing will ever make things better. And then they do. I’m a terribly huge fan of Amitav Ghosh’s Ibis trilogy and especially of Deeti and Kalua’s story from the Sea of Poppies. He saves her from having to jump into her husband’s funeral pyre and then run away to start a life together. It’s love unlike we know or see because it’s pure and complicated but still sweet like teenage love. At the end of the book, Kalua leaves the Ibis to save his life and for the past four years, I have been waiting for Ghosh to finish the trilogy so I can finally know what happened to them.

I’m an Emily Dickinson fan. My favourites have always been the shorter ones with strong imagery and since in college my life was all about the unrequited, part of me clings to Wild nights! Wild nights!, as a symbol of joyousness and hope one needs in matters of the heart. WOW, that was a long sentence.

Wild nights! Wild nights!
Wild nights! Wild nights!

Were I with thee,

Wild nights should be

Our luxury!

Futile the winds

To a heart in port,—

Done with the compass,

Done with the chart.

Rowing in Eden!

Ah! the sea!

Might I but moor

To-night in thee!

Our favourite episodes of Community

Our favourite episodes of Community
30 Rock’s last episode was has left a pretty big void in our lives and we are going to miss Liz and Jack and DotCom and Tracy and Kenneth so much. But, thankfully Community season 4 is coming back this week (7th of Feb! Save the date!) and we are looking forward to it with some trepidation. Dan Harmon isn’t writing anymore and Community is too precious to be messed with. While we wait for 7th of Feb! we went back to the three brilliant season of Community to list our 10 favorite episodes of all time.

Spanish 101 from Season 1

In just the second episode, the show managed to reach high-levels of awesomeness with Spanish 101. We meet Senor Chang, we see Annie and Shirley protest ‘Guatemala’, we see Pierce and Jeff give an amazing presentation (there’s fireworks and robots involved) and the best of all, we hear the ‘Spanish rap’. That rap had us hooked to the show and we have been rewarded.

Contemporary American Poultry from Season 1

The crisis of diminishing chicken fingers in the cafeteria turns into an episode of Goodfellas meets The Godfather. Abed takes control of the “family” from Jeff, and everybody becomes corrupt with power (over chicken fingers) till Abed decided to take them down. With this wonderfully made episode, Community pays homage to the classic American mafia movie.

Advanced Dungeons and Dragons from season 2

The gang realise that they have to simulate a complex Dungeons and Dragons game in order to save Fat Neil from committing suicide. Meant to boost Fat Neil’s confidence, the game becomes more than just that, when a thwarted Pierce starts counter playing the gang and Abed is Game Master. Great Stuff.

Dinner with Andre/Dinner with Abed from season 2

How was this episode legendary? Let us count the ways: It paid tribute to Dinner with Andre. It paid tribute to Pulp Fiction. It showed us a very bewildering Un-Abed Abed (No Cool cool cool and actual eye contact. Argh. Were that we were struck blind before this.) And you know what, if you watch Cougar Town, you’ll see that Abed was actually an extra on that episode which (supposedly) changed his worldview.

Cooperative calligraphy from Season 2

Or as it’s more famously known, the Bottle episode. The gang tries to find out who it was that stole Annie’s Pen. Tempers rise, secrets are revealed, deep subjects like religion and sexuality are heatedly debated and the dialogue gets sharper as the plot gets more ridiculous, more funny. Cooperative Calligeraphy is one of the gems of the show, a tightly written, lightly delivered gem.

Conspiracy Theories and Interior Design from season 2

Jeff takes on the ultimate blow-off class (one that doesn’t really exist) but wait, what’s this…It does exist? And who is this fake professor who is actually a real professor? This episode is wave upon wave of conspiracies and its jam packed with exaggerated hilarity. It is also the origins of Troy and Abed’s Blanket Fort, where you need permits to hold demonstrations and where there’s a real live Turkish District.

Messianic Myths and Ancient Peoples from Season 2

Shirley attempts to get people to believe in God and decides to let Abed make a pro Jesus movie. Except she shouldn’t have. Abed goes crazy with it and makes a super-meta film where he is Jesus Christ and the movie is reality and reality is the movie. The closing credits with Troy and Abed dress and start talking like Jeff was beautiful.

Regional Holiday Music from Season 3

The Greendale 7 have always professed a certain bewilderment at the popularity of Glee. “I don’t understand the appeal at all.” This fact made it doubly hilarious when they found themselves subbing for the original glee club one Christmas. Suddenly life was all about wanting to “get to regionals.” Hilarious. Also, we got to see Troy and Abed do a ‘music through the ages duet’ about Baby Boomer Santa.

Remedial Chaos Theory from Season 3

Every time the dice is rolled, the future splits into multiple timelines where one details changes the course of time. Remedial Chaos Theory is definitely one of the most intelligently written episodes on television. The concept itself; every timeline starts out with the same premise but the everything goes crazy, is so epic. It also introduced the darkest timeline where Jeff loses an arm, Pierce gets shot, Shirley becomes an alcoholic, and Annie ends up in a mental institution. Oh and Abed makes felt beards.

 

Our favourite gay characters on television

Our favourite gay characters on television

With Pride week this past week in Mumbai and everything you know, we realised we hadn’t ever acknowledged our favourite gay characters on television. No time like the present though! Whether it’s for their style, wit, humour or personality, we really really dig these guys. Here are our ten best.

Kima Greggs from The Wire: So Kima has been on about five different lists on Project Small Fry and that should prove our eternal fandom. She’s awesome! Not only is she a well-written, nice rounded of character, her no-nonsense, let’s get down to work attitude is downright kick ass.

Omar from The Wire: President Obama called Omar the most interesting character on television. Word. Not only is he the Robin Hood of Drugs in Baltimore, but he carries his sexual identity with pride. Omar comin!

Ian Gallagher from Shameless: We become aware that Ian was gay in the pilot episode of Shameless and we’ll admit it, the moment we saw his pretty face we felt a horrible sense of doom. Would he be written off as a caricature? But hells to the no! Ian trains in JROTC, can shoot straight, can punch out (and then get with) the meanest bullies ever and has a kind, kind heart (remember what he did for Mandy Milkovitch?)

Cameron from Modern Family: Cameron, the more flamboyant of the gay couple in Modern Family simply takes the prize for being interesting. I mean, the man used to be a clown, he won prizes for fishin and huntin, he sings, he dances, he has “reactions” and he loves his mama. Yay Cameron!

Sam from How I met your mother: Though he’s barely on the show, Barneys gay brother, made a great impact. This brother got the Stintson swag, well tell you that much AND he’s about as funny as Barney, which really say a lot. Also, do you remember the style on his kid?

Kurt from Glee: Kurt is a brave teenager and the only openly gay person in his town. He’s dealt with way too much bullying and had way too many slushies thrown in his face and he stays true to who he is. He and Blaine make a perfect couple (We are assuming they are still together. We gave up on Glee some time ago).

Max from Happy Endings: Max is sloppy, gross, funny and kind of hot. He is exceptionally un-cheesy and has no grandiose ideas of romance. He is constantly plotting crazy things and he keeps himself pretty entertained. And his taste in guys is superb.

Callie from Grey’s Anatomy: Callie, of course takes a while to realize she loves women. She is briefly married to George and sleeps with Mark Sloane and has his baby but she is strong and funny and so good at her job. Even this season, when Arizona is being pretty darn difficult (we don’t blame her really. She doesn’t have her legs anymore), Callie is a pillar of resilience.

Oscar from The Office: That episode where Steve Carell attempts to kiss Oscar to prove that he is not homophobic was so tough to watch and we weren’t surprised when Oscar decided to quit (but a paid vacation changed his mind). But post that, Oscar has became a fun, a bit of a know-it-all but very likable.

Jack Mcfarlane from Will and Grace: Just Jack. *Jazz hands*

Our favourite Proposition Joe moments

Our favourite Proposition Joe moments

There are a lot of great characters on David Simon’s The Wire. As you get drawn into the world of drug slinging Baltimore and everything that comes with it, you tend to identify with the characters. When we heard that Robert Chew, the actor who played Proposition Joe on the show passed away, we called back all those moments spent analysing characters and discussing plots. This is a list of our best Prop Joe moments. A businessman, a dealer and a manipulator with wisdom and cunning that made him come alive.

Our first glimpse of Prop Joe was at the famed Eastside vs Westside basketball game in the projects. We were impressed with his cool nonchalance, which came off as even cooler next to Avon Barksdale’s cussing and angry stomping. When Avon asked him why he was wearing a suit, acting like Pat Riley and carrying a fake clipboard when he couldn’t even read a playbook, Prop Joe uttered his fist lines in the show. “Look the part, be the part, motherfucker.” Epic stuff.

This moment is from The Wire prequels shot after the series. The short reel shows us a much younger Joe’s crafty manipulation with his teacher. A school test, money and a teacher he tries to bribe. It was the makings of a Joe who would later be in charge of selling product in East Baltimore and a lifetime of making propositions that slyly benefit him.

Season 5. Herc, cop turned lawyer, met Prop Joe in lawyer Maury Levy’s office. They both sit down and grab a paper. Ervin Burrel, the police commissioner has finally been given the big goodbye by the Mayor and Joe casually remarked that Burrel was a year ahead of him in school. Herc looks like he’s dying of curiosity and he finally spits out, “I gotta ask…” “Stone stupid,” Prop Joe confirmed coolly.

Every single moment that Prop Joe held meetings with the players in Baltimore. He commanded the room with his drawling voice and he had organisational skills that genuinely kicked ass. A born leader and a crafty old dog, Joe kept things simple and well oiled…for a while.

Prop Joe got his name by giving propositions to people he slyly wanted to control. He perceived quicker than anyone else that Marlo was just biding his time with this whole round table deal and so he decided to take the young man under his wing and lead him to a lawyer who would clean his drug money up. He figured, you help, you get saved, and you can practically hear the cogs in motion when he approaches Marlo and tells him how one dealt with the world.

“Who you tellin’? I got motherfucking nephews and in-laws fucking all my shit up all the time and it ain’t like I can pop a cap in their ass and not hear about it Thanksgiving time. For real, I’m livin’ life with some burdensome niggers.”

The way Prop Joe faced and accepted death and betrayal. It always struck us as awesome that the big Baltimore players were always ready to accept the code of the game. “Its all in the game, yo,” said Omar in season one and this how they faced defeat and death. But no one accepted his fate more than gracefully than Joe, who closed his eyes and waited for the bullet. There’s a deadly tenderness in the way Marlo says, “Joe relax. It won’t hurt none.” That scene was the most powerful one in the season.

“Wanna know what kills police more than bullets and liquor? Boredom. They just can’t handle that shit. You keep it boring, String. You keep it dead fucking boring.”

Godspeed Robert Chew. You made a character feel real.

Our favourite moments from the 70th Golden Globes

Our favourite moments from the 70th Golden Globes

We love award shows. All the cool people we love hanging out with each other, getting drunk, getting into brawls, taking their clothes off. This morning we caught, the first of many ceremonies to watch this month, the 70th Golden Globe awards. It wasn’t what you’d call ‘filled to the brim with happiness, inside jokes and nip slips’ level, but it was entertaining nonetheless. Ben Affleck made one omission that Jennifer Garner had to cover and Hugh Jackman and George Clooney jumped on it. Jodie Foster was beautiful. The right amount of emotional and crazy makes a great acceptance speech. Also, us Homeland fans are mighty pleased with the show winning best drama (so disconcerting to see Abu Nazir on stage), Damian Lewis winning best actor and Claire Danes taking best actress (also, the Carrie was carrying pun was well intended but lame). But us Breaking Bad fans were quite disappointed.

Amy Pohler and Tina Fey were, as expected, spectacular and we wished we could see more of them. Seriously, they kind of disappeared in the middle there. The opening monologue was full of fun jokes about Ben Affleck, Lena Dunham, Tarantino and Julianne Moore, The hunger games and Life of Pi. The shout out to Mandy Patinkin was adorable. (The 2nd best line of the night goes to –  “When it comes to torture, I trust the lady who was married to James Cameron for three years.” (Of Kathryn Bigelow))

Also, we adore HBO’s girls and have from the first episode but Lena Dunham winning against Amy Pohler for the best actress in a comedy? Hell to the no!
Dunham thanked her fellow nominees for getting her through middle school. Amy and Tina took their loss well. By drinking on stage.

After last years Emmy’s, our expectations of Aziz Ansari skyrocketed. He didn’t disappoint us. He came in with Jason Bateman and talked about chilling with the cast of Downton Abbey. “They call cookies biscuits!” Also, he called Lena Dunham “Lisa.”

We absolutely believed that Kristen Wiig and Will Ferrell did watch all the movies when they came in to present the best performance by an actress in a Musical/comedy. They were exceptionally hilarious. Twitter was instantly filled with “let them host the next Golden Globes” kind of tweets.

Bill Clinton came on stage (whaaaat!) to introduce Lincoln and as he walked off stage, Pohler stayed true to Leslie Knope and shrieked, “that was Hillary Clinton’s husband”. Aww, classic Leslie. (That is the best line in case you were wondering)

Anne Hathaway’s acceptance speech was wonderful (in spite of how truly annoying she has become). She won for Les Miserables and she thanked Sally Fields for teaching her not to be typecast. Hey Anne, great way to bring up the fact that you were once princess of Genovia by the way. We see what you did there.

What’s an award show without uncomfortable moments? We squirmed watching Paul Rudd looking visibly awkward. He was on stage with Salma Hayek and they both stared at the (defective, we assume) teleprompter and then at each other with nothing to say. But it doesn’t matter, PaulRudd4eva.

And lastly, how cute was the HFPA president Aida Takla O’Reilly hitting on Bradley Cooper? Adorable.

Our favourite Christmas episodes

Our favourite Christmas episodes

Studio 60 on the sunset strip: The entire episode was all sharp Sorkin dialogue and hilarity (a Santa that looked like it was giving a nazi salute) but the crux of it was that Matt Alby wanted a show that was “christmasy.” And he delivered. A moving end that had to be heard to be believed and one character finally making a big confession that changed the course of the series. This episode is all kinds of heart-warming.

Friends: We spent a fair amount of Christmases and thankgivings with the gang, but the episode where Chandler has to spend Christmas in Tulsa was our favourite. Of all the flashbacks he goes to, our favourite is of course Phoebe singing her Christmas song with all her friends’ names in it. And Chandler came back in the end. Because he missed his wife so much he couldn’t stand it. Awww.

Modern Family: The Pritchets and the Dunphys always know how to balance funny and sweet, but they outdid themselves at the Christmas episode where they all had to arrange Christmas in a day (December 10th). The clan split up and organised food, presents and decorations, all to the kind of comedy errors that cause you to cry with laughter. The episode ended with them all frolicking in fake snow. Perfection to the end.

Community: Abed’s uncontrollable Christmas is one of those episodes that make your jaw drop at the brilliance of this show. The entire show turns into Claymation as they travel through Abed’s head to a Christmas-themed planet. They sing songs and travel through a dark zone and find the true meaning of Christmas. So so cute.

The Big Bang Theory: Putting one of the most important issues of Christmas at the forefront; Sheldon is struggling to find Penny a gift equal in value to the one she gave him. But of course he fails, when Penny makes a thoughtful gesture and gifts him an autograph of Leonard Nimoy. Anything that has Sheldon Cooper stumped is a wonderful moment by our standards.

New Girl: Although New Girl is relatively new, season one had a rollercoaster of a Christmas episode that involved Paul giving Jess and expensive gift while she plans to break up with him, Nick struggling to make it home, Schmidt being Santa for his boss and Winston forming a bond with a little kid. And when everyone has clearly had a terrible day, the gang drives down to see Christmas lights and manage to wake up an entire street and it’s absolutely beautiful.

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