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The best of Jean Ralphio

The best of Jean Ralphio

You know the problem with Parks and Rec? Way too many great characters. We can’t pick between Ron Swanson, Leslie Knope, April Ludgate, Tom Haverford, Andy Dwyer or Chris Traeger. But this list is for the hilarious and underrated Jean Ralphio. Here’s our pick of his best quotes:

Showing true enthusiasm for a job as Ron’s assistant:

For starters, access to the illest clubs. And that’s just for starters. I will work for you. I’ll be on you 24/7. I’ll be like your family. I’m here when you get here in the morning, sure enough, I’ll be there tucking you into bed at night. Don’t worry, it’s not gay. Do we have questions?

Making a business deal:

What up, Big Teeeeeee…stop. This must be the lovely Donna. Enchanté. Listen beautiful, let’s cut the bull, alright? You want this. I definitely want this. T.H. wants this. Let’s seal this devil’s threeway right here, right now. Step one: We buy into this club. Step two: We roll over to the club, either in your Mercedes-Benz or my pre-owned Acura Legend. Step three: I dagger you on the dance floor. Just bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, now all the ladies sayin’, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce. What do you say, sexy?

On giving a great best man speech:

Ok, this is what I would do: I would start with a joke. Joke. Vince Vaughn quote, obviously.Fred Claus. Talk about Andy’s ex-girlfriends, quote from Love Actually, hold back your tears, pause…drop the microphone, get out of that bitch.

On hiring Ben to do his accounts:

Oh you could do better than that. I’m gonna help you out right now, your name is Angelo. Angelo thank you so much for coming out. Get a thicker tie, it looks weird on you. It makes your head look like a fish. Secondly, I don’t know where the paperwork is, but when you find it can you take care of it for us? We don’t have any pens ’cause we’re afraid it’s gonna leak on our shirts. Well actually I hate the name Angelo I’m gonna switch it up for you right now. Your new nickname is Jell-o shot. What do you think about that J-shot? Any questions?

On romance:

One time I waited outside a woman’s house for five days just to show her how serious I was about wanting to drill her. Turns out, it was the wrong house. She loved the story anyway. We got to third base. Over the pants.

Rapping and not knowing when to stop:

– Uh-oh, Uh-oh, it’s K to the N to the O-P-E, she’s the dopest little shortee in all Pawnee, Indiana
– R to the O to the N and then I say, Swanson got swagger the size of Big Ben clock
– Yo B to the O to the double S, do what he say and you’ll be success-ful-o

On great television ideas:

This is for certain, okay? I create a game show… two people on stage, right? They flip a coin; one of them has to perform open heart surgery, the other one has to receive open heart surgery. We call it: “Open Heart Surgery.”

On dreams:

Why don’t you live your life like that cow from that video?

Tom: He was a horse.

Yeah, because he followed his dreams.

 

Ooops, spoilers!

Ooops, spoilers!

Of all first world problems the one that rattles me most is the ‘Spoiler Alert’. And while I agree with Mindy Kaling that you should “be a man about it”, I also hate people who find joy in spoiling things for you.

But lets face it, if you aren’t on top of every show you follow, somebody somewhere is going to ruin it for you. But I do have some tips for you if you want to avoid them all.

– Invest in a pair of noise-cancelling headphones. This is a fool-proof method to ensure you don’t hear your friends gushing about the season finale of Breaking Bad and spend a few days like lonely sad person till you catch up. Wear them everywhere. No place is safe. Your office, the coffee shop, the bar…yes, it will suck to wear a pair of headphones at the bar and you might a miss a whole interesting conversation because you don’t know when they stopped discussing Walter White but hey, at least you don’t know Frank figured out…whoops, sorry.

Image Courtesy: The Interwebz
-Which brings me to the most essential point; the internet or as you could call it, the spoiler universe. If you’ve downloaded the last episode of Homeland but just haven’t managed to watch it yet, it calls for a blanket internet ban. You can check your email on your phone but no twitter, facebook (you know what happened with Talaash) and absolutely no other website. Sure, there is always the ‘spoiler alert’ just before it. What are you supposed to do? Switch you mind off as soon as you see those words? From Guardian to New Yorker to Time magazine they are all minefields of spoilers and analysis and memes and one stray word about a terrorist…

– Watch every episode as it comes out. If you aren’t caught up on a show, call in sick, stay home and watch it. Do not venture out of the house. Don’t call people; they could let something slip. It isn’t even just the drama/thriller shows. I can’t even stand it when people reveal important things about sitcoms. Ooh, did you see the episode when Ben proposes to..lalalallalala.

Joe Biden to appear on Parks and Rec and other stories

Joe Biden to appear on Parks and Rec and other stories

After the super cute things happening in the last two episodes of Parks and Rec, There’s more good news for Leslie Knope. We hear, one of her favorite people, Joe Biden (who even makes it to the quilt) is going to be in the next episode. Don’t you love that everything is going right in Pawnee?

The greatest news to follow the re-election of President Obama, was the leaglisation of Marijuana by Colorado and Washington. For full information on this issue, we read this article that explains Washington’s public health model, what this decision means for the war on drugs and this.

The 14-year-old Ariel Winter, Modern Family’s Alex was removed from her mother’s care following allegations of physical and emotional abuse a few days ago. Word is that this was Ariels way of getting back at Mommy not being crazy about her boyfriend. We don’t know what the truth is but it’s always nasty business when kids are the target of gossip and scandal. We hope she is alright and powers through.

If you haven’t heard of book spine poetry already, you should check them out. We are already imaging a million combinations that can bring poetry to our book shelves.

And now here’s something to cheer you up on a Monday morning. We’ve already lol’d, rofl’d and lmao’d at the history of misheard lyrics and we are sure you will too. I believe in marigolds!

 

– Sharanya

Supporting actors that kick ass

Supporting actors that kick ass

Leo from That 70’s show: We have never seen a more spaced-out, clueless, weed- happy, hippy loser in all of television. Leo, proud owner of the Foto hut where Hyde works, is full of little gems of brilliance. Sample this: Leo: You drive. I can’t since my licence got suspended. Hyde: What for? Leo: It fell into my glass of soda. And it just hung there. Suspended.

Roger Sterling from Mad Men: While every character on Mad Men is nuanced enough to inspire their own show, it’s Roger Sterling, that slim silver haired genius, that we are especially fond off. Maybe it’s because he’s never seen without a drink in his hand or the fact that he has mad game. It could also be his dry, witty humour.

Tom Haverford from Parks and Rec: We totally love Ron Swanson, but we pick Tom Haverford for his pure ingenuity. He has kickass business ideas, kickass made up names for every thing (eggs are pre birds or future birds), his house is a dream, he makes up songs on the spot, he’s weird, he’s a freak, he’s friends with Jean Ralphio, he invents drinks, he invents perfumes, he’s a cashmere, velvet, cashmere candy cane…we could go on you know.

Sheela from Shameless: She’s weird but she’s strong. She’s crazy but she means well and she’s a right old bleeding heart. We would totally call her a saint if it weren’t for her ideas of a good time in bed.

Jack McFarland from Will and Grace: Why this show wasn’t just called Jack and Karen is truly a mystery. Jack McFarland deserves his own show for so many reasons, his love for Cher, his singing, owning his own tiny café in the hallway but mostly for his kickass dancing skills he picked up as part of JLo and Janet Jackson’s troupe. Jack hands!

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