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Six faceless characters we would love to see

Six faceless characters we would love to see

Mrs. Wolowitz from The Big Bang Theory

We’ve heard so much of and about her; we assume she is an obese woman with too much body hair and some serious boundary issues. You can’t help but feel bad for the creepy Howard. But here’s what she looks like in real life.

Ms Sara Bellum from the Powerpuff Girls

We know a lot about Sara Bellum. She has shapely legs that go upto there and curves that would make Beyonce sign up for self esteem therapy. What’s more, we suspect she’s the brain behind the happy but useless mayor, how could she not be with that smart pun in her name. We have never seen her face. The only time we come close is when she attends the carnival, but…oh, what’s that…a bunch of balloons have covered her face.

Wilson from Home Improvement

Oh, the times I’ve spent wondering why nobody ever says, “Hey, Wilson, come over for dinner would you?” So we could finally see his face. Born out of the Tim Allen’s childhood when he couldn’t see his neighbor’s face over the fence, Wilson was Tim’s go-to guy for all kinds of advice.

Charlie from Charlie’s Angels:

After all the approving “Good work angels!” We expected to at least see the damn guy at some damn point. Charlie from Charlie’s angels has to be the most faceless presense on television.

Ugly naked guy from Friends:

He’s caused plenty of hilarity, he killed a cat (poor thing never saw that big butt coming), Ross stripped to the bone in order to curry favour with him…So many fond memories and yet we never end up seeing the guy or hearing him speak. Maybe because he was ugly. And naked.

I’m Mole!

I’m Mole!

You guys, I’m Mole. From the Wind in the Willows. I’ve only just realised it and had to weep to someone because who wants to be personality-less Mole? He hid himself underground till he was sick of it and then he attached himself to Rat and embraced a new life, but he was never as cool as Rat, though he always tried. I’ll probably never be as cool as Rat. It’s so creepy when an author or scriptwriter creates some sort of version of you that he totally dreamed up out of nowhere. It’s worse when its an animal. Hands up if you identify with at least two of the weirdest creatures from Alice in Wonderland (For me, it’s the flamingo at the croquet game, and in my incompetent days, Bill the Lizard, Jury Member from the Trial scene). I wonder if the writers know they’re doing it. It’s pretty damn annoying regardless.

As far as characters go I always like the ones that are not like me. If a character in a book or film, is too close to the real me for comfort, I’ll immediately back away. For instance, if I were to be completely honest, as a kid I was like the shy and timid Beth March but I avoided this absolute truth because I wanted to be feisty like Jo. In films too, I have to aspire to the personality types of characters, or I’ll hate them right off the bat. I’d rather be happy-go-lucky and risk taking Kumar than the uptight, paranoid play by the rules Harold but I suspect that the opposite is true. I totally want to be House MD, witty and brilliant, but I’m so completely Wilson – seemingly well-adjusted and easily manipulated.

So anyway, since I’m on this whole self-actualisation trip, I might as well come clean. These are three characters that I’d want to think I’m like, against the one’s I’m actually like.

What I want to be: Bobbie Wickham and/or Stiffy Byng from the Jeeves series. Spontaneous, quick on their feet and inventor of hare-brained schemes that never end up working.

What I’m actually like: Florence Craye, pseudo-intellectual and little formidable and scary. “The root of the trouble was that she was one of those intellectual girls, steeped to the gills in serious purpose, who are unable to see a male soul without wanting to get behind it and shove.” Bertie Wooster, Joy in the morning. Sigh. It’s kind of true.

What I want to be: Kima Greggs from the Wire. Capable, smart and quick.

What I am: The Bunk. Good at his job, but undeniably lazy and disgruntled with everything.

What I want to be: House MD. Witty, sexy, confident, brilliant, self-assured and downright amazing.

What I am: Wilson. Sidekick to awesomeness.

What I want to be: Stan from Southpark. Chilled out and cool. He even has a girlfriend until he went goth. (“They’re all a bunch of conformist bastards.”)

What I am: Tweak. I can panic on demand. My philosophy is “If there’s a reason, even a small one, to flip out like a pancake, do it and don’t think twice.” A lot of people think Tweak’s character was over the top. Not so. I’m like that. I even twitch when I’m nervous.

Okay that’s enough honesty for today. I still want you guys to like me after all (another reason why I’m like Wilson) and I don’t want you’ll to walk away saying “she’s the crazy half of this project.” That’ll just be sad.

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